


Reminiscence

by MuseMeow



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Eventual Romance, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Relationship(s), Rite of Tranquility, Tranquil Surana (Dragon Age)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-13
Updated: 2018-12-31
Packaged: 2019-08-23 02:57:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16610570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MuseMeow/pseuds/MuseMeow
Summary: Cullen learns a few of Ferelden's tranquil have arrived at Haven. After spending the last ten years running from his past, he confronts the woman he left behind. Once a vibrant young elven woman, Rowan is a shell of her former self. A distant reminder of Cullen's failings and a life of missed opportunities. As the Inquisition sets out to save the world, Cullen learns there may be a way to save the woman who still haunts his dreams.





	1. Memory

**Author's Note:**

> I've been playing around with this fiction for a long time, unsure of what to do with it. Luckily for you (hopefully), I've decided to just throw it out there. Just like everything else I do. Just running, gunning and writing bad fan fiction. Hm, someone should write that on my gravestone. 
> 
> Forever Running, Gunning, and Writing Bad Fan Fiction.
> 
> Feedback is always appreciated.
> 
> MuseMeow

The Haven Chantry was eerily quiet. The late hour had encouraged most of the new residents to find a bed. Andraste’s Herald had left a few days prior for Redcliff. When he returned they were expecting many more mages to come with him. The makeshift base of the Inquisition was frantically trying to prepare for them. This truly was a rare moment of silence in the Chantry's great hall.

Admist all the chaos the former Knight-Captain had made a bit of time for himself. He had been putting it off for far too long, and his conscious weighed heavy. So here he stood uncomfortably at the office door of the Inquisition’s chief diplomat. He knew Josephine wasn’t in, but she wasn’t the person the Commander had come to see. Taking a deep breath, he opened the door.

“Lady Josephine isn’t here,” called a young elf, not bothering to look up from her work. She sat studying a text at a small table piled high with books and parchment.

“I know,” he replied, “I came to speak with you.”

She finally lifted her gaze from the papers on the table, her eyes went wide when she recognized him. “Commander Cullen,” she stood up quickly, knocking a few papers to the ground. “I did not realize it was you.”

“It’s alright,” he assured her. “It’s Minaeve, isn’t it?”

“Yes, sir,” she nodded, “I study the demons and creatures that the soldiers encounter in the field. What do you need of me?”

“I heard that you came from the Ferelden Circle, and that you were able to bring a group of Tranquil with you. Is that true?”

“Yes, sir, it is. Some of the other mages started rounding them up. I did my best to look after them after them until Seeker Pentaghast brought us here.”

Cullen looked at her, maybe a bit in awe, “thank you.”

“Of course, sir,” the elf was a bit confused. This wasn’t the response she had expected from the former Templar. “Is there something you need, sir?” She asked again.

“Um, yes,” Cullen remembered his purpose for seeing her. “I wanted to know if there was particular person that came with you. A tranquil.”

“Who?” Minaeve prodded, a bit curious to see where this was headed.

“An elven woman. Her name was… is Rowan.”

“And what do you want with her?”

“I, um, knew her before. When I served in the Ferelden Circle. I just, uh, I wanted to make sure she is alright.” His right hand went to the back of his neck, a nervous habit he’d never been able to drop.

Minaeve smiled, “follow me.”

The mage led him through the Chantry, and out the front doors. He followed closely behind her, hoping no one would notice the pair crossing the courtyard. Finally, they reached Adan’s hut, the home of the Inquisition’s potion master.

“Adan?” Minaeve called out as she opened the door.

“Adan is not here,” came a soft monotone voice, “he went to gather herbs before last light. However, he may have stopped at the tavern on his way back.”

Cullen’s heart stopped. There she was, her slight elven frame standing over Adan’s potions. Her soft brown hair was tied neatly back in a bun, leaving her gentle features unobstructed. Those sapphire eyes that he had known so well seemed dimmer now. Her gaze seemed fixed past the visiting pair standing in the doorway, as if she was looking through them. Cullen opened his mouth to speak, to say something, anything, but no words seemed to come.

“Commander Cullen has come to see you,” Minaeve broke the silence that had settled uneasily in the room.

“Is there something you need of me, Commander?” Rowan’s quiet tones only served to unsettle Cullen further.

“I only wished to see that you are well,” Cullen breathed, finally managing to form a phrase.

“I am fine,” her flat statement tugged at Cullen’s heart. 

He still remembered the way she had smiled, before the sunburst brand had marred her brow. She had been shy and quiet, but clever and mirthful. He had, in a way, loved her. Perhaps she had once felt something for him, but it was never to be. That was years ago, when right and wrong were clearly defined. A time before the sky had been torn apart by the breach. Now, the entire world was falling to pieces and Rowan stood before him, a shadow of her former self. 

Gone was the graceful young woman he had known. She knew no pain, no fear, no shame, no sorrow. Neither did she feel joy, or pride, or love, or even contentment. It was all taken from her, leaving her only with her life. A life, she had once told him, that was not worth living.

“Is there anything else you require, Commander?” She asked slowly, calling Cullen back from his thoughts. “A potion, or perhaps some lyrium? I am sure there is some in our reserves.”

“No, thank you,” he replied thickly. “Just let me know if there is anything you need.”

“Of course Commander,” her cold blue eyes found his.

He turned away, unable to keep her hollow gaze. Before he could make a bigger fool of himself, he quickly left. 

Few people wandered the streets, most were guards who focused on their watch duties, allowing Cullen a hasty retreat. His heart pounded in his chest. In the years since Kinloch, he had seen her face countless times in his dreams. He had thought seeing her help put his mind at ease. Instead it had all come back the moment their eyes had met.

When he made it to his cabin, he locked the door behind him. Desperately trying to keep the memories at bay, but there was no stopping the wave of emotions that now weighed down on him.

_"Cullen,"_ her voice was clear in his memory, _"I'm scared."_

_"I know,"_ he had replied to her the night before she had gone through the Rite of Tranquility. 

They had held her in a locked room on the third floor, and fate has seen it fit that he was her guard. She had been manipulated by her closest friend, Jowan, into helping him escape. What she thought had been an idealist attempt at freedom had turned out to be a twisted plot of blood mage. Neither Rowan, nor Jowan's lover Lily had any idea he had resorted to studying blood magic, let alone to use it to escape. In the end, it didn't matter. Rowan had assisted a blood mage in his flight of the hold. She would be made tranquil in less than a week after passing her Harrowing. 

_"You will be okay,"_ Cullen had tried to reassure her. 

_"No,"_ she sighed, those blue eyes brimmed with tears, _"I won't."_

Slumping down onto the floor, Cullen took a deep breath trying to calm his nerves. Only his breath turned into a sob. Of all his regrets, she was the greatest. He should have done more. Anything to try to save her, but he had been little more than fledgeling knight and she an inexperienced mage. No one would pay them any mind. And, to his great shame, he had done nothing. Just let them take her and destroy the life of promise she had ahead of her.

Then the demons had overrun the hold in Uldred's disastrous attempt at a coup. He wasn't the same after that, and he had spent every day of the last ten years trying to forget her and that tower of nightmares. Only to have her suddenly back in his life, or what was left of her. 

Maybe he was just as broken and lost, but now he was the Commander of Inquisition's armies, and he was not doing any good wallowing on the floor. He wiped away the tears that shamed him, and picked himself up. Crossing to his desk, which could be described as rustic at best, Cullen opened the top left drawer. There he kept lyrium and apparatus. 

Looking down at it, he felt the headache begin to form. It had been several days since his last dose, but he couldn't bring himself to take the familiar box out of the drawer. Instead, he closed the desk and prayed for Andraste to give him strength in where he had failed before.


	2. Wander

“There’s a shield in your hand. Block with it!” Cullen ordered a new recruit who seemed to think he could fight with one hand tied behind his back. Thankfully the young soldier heard his Commander and lifted his shield in time to block his sparring partner’s assault.

“It seems you’ve had quite the task training these recruits,” a deep voice boomed behind Cullen. The Commander turned to see the Herald standing with his arms crossed, a bemused smirk on his face.

“You haven’t the slightest idea,” Cullen muttered in reply. “At least most of them know which end to grasp the sword now. Though, I admit, they are coming along, albeit some quicker than others.” 

The Herald chuckled, apparently taking great amusement in the Commander’s plight. Cullen didn’t share in the Herald’s sense of humor, but he liked the man. 

Maxwell Trevelyn was a tall and imposing figure, sporting a full beard that could never fully hide his smile or muffle his throaty laugh. Though the Herald was always quick to jest, Cullen knew the man could handle any serious situation with an appropriate response. A trait the Herald had taken great care to hide from Cassandra. Seeing the Seeker squirm had become a sort of favorite pass time between the Herald and his new friend Varric. 

“Is there anything I can do for you, Herald?” Cullen offered.

“Please, just call me Maxwell. It’s always Herald this, and Your Worship that. I think people are starting to forget that I actually have a name,” Maxwell whined at the inconvenience, but Cullen could see it truly bothered him.

“Then, is there anything I can do for you, Maxwell,” Cullen corrected himself. 

“I was just coming by to see if we are prepared for the arrival of the mages from Redcliff,” he informed the Commander.

Cullen groaned inwardly, “I don’t believe we’ll ever be fully ready. With so few Templars and the instability within the mages… Well, you’ve taken a great risk bringing them here as free allies.”

A shadow crossed Maxwell’s expression, “don’t tell me you want them shackled and chained as much as Cassandra does.”

“Of course not,” Cullen backpedaled. “I am sorry. I did not intent to be so harsh. There will always be dangers where magic is involved. We can and will make do with the resources we have.”

Maxwell seemed to accept Cullen’s apology and chatted on about the preparation of the soldiers. Cullen listened intently until out of the corner of his eye he took notice of a figure standing by the frozen lakeshore.

“Excuse me for a moment,” Cullen bid as he left the Herald hanging.

Cullen could feel the Herald’s curious stare follow him to the lakeshore, but he couldn’t quite stop himself from approaching her. Rowan stood, staring blankly out at the snow-covered ice of the lake. 

Her was no longer in the neat bun he had last seen her with. Instead her locks drifted gently in the icy breeze as she stared silently out over the ice. It was then he noticed the top half of her left ear was missing. How could he have missed such a injury? His heart pounded in his chest as anger bubbled in the pit of his stomach. _You should have protected her._ The thought wormed its way into his heart, slowing his pace. _Now it’s too late._

Pushing his emotions aside, he called out to her, “Rowan, what are you doing here?”

She turned slowly, pulling her attention from the lake. “Adan told me to gather elfroot,” she held out a small basket half-full of the plant as proof. “Only, I did not find very much.”

Cullen looked her over, “you should be wearing a coat. It’s freezing out here.” She looked down at her thin sleeves, as if just noticing they were there. She wore the simple blue robes worn by all of the Circle’s tranquil, and they provided little protection from the elements.

“Perhaps that is why I did not find many plants. Elfroot grows better in warmer climates.” Her flat statements weighed heavily on Cullen. She was shaking from the cold, but couldn’t properly register the discomfort it surely brought her. He hated seeing her like this.

“Come here,” he bid her. She obeyed without question. Taking off his fur-lined cape, he draped it over her small form. It swallowed her whole, the hem nearly touched the ground.

“Thank you,” she said automatically.

“Let’s get you back inside,” Cullen encouraged, leading her back towards Haven.

As they approached, Cullen noticed that the Herald was still watching them. There would be no avoiding him, he stood directly between them and the gate to the town. Worse yet, Varric now stood beside the Herald and they were talking while they waiting for them to arrive at the gate.

“Who’s your friend?” Varric called once they were within earshot. 

Cullen didn’t reply, only watched their faces as they noticed the sunburst brand that marred her forehead. The realization that he was escorting a Tranquil mage back to the city was enough to silence the pair. Instead, they just watched and wondered while he passed by.

There would be no escaping their questions later, but by the grace of Andraste, they let him pass. No one else paid them much notice as they wound through the streets towards Adan’s apothecary. 

“There you are!” Adan called as they stepped through the doorway. “I was getting worried.” He looked the pair over, “Rowan, where is your coat?”

“She wasn’t wearing one when I found her by the lake,” Cullen explained, taking his cape off her shoulders.

Adan sighed, “thank you for finding her, Commander.”

“Of course,” Cullen paused, “just please take care of her and don't let it happen again.”

“I will, Commander,” Adan promised.

Rowan returned to her duties without so much as a goodbye. Cullen’s heart sank. He knew he shouldn't be disappointed or surprised, but it served as a reminder that woman she had been was gone. Not wanting to linger, Cullen hastily made his escape. Only to be met by none other than Maxwell and Varric.

“Hey Curly!” Varric’s smile was almost as wide as he was tall, “how about we get a drink?”

“Another time, perhaps,” Cullen avoided the dwarf.

“Come on, Cullen,” the Herald joined in. “We have to know who she is.”

“It’s none of your business,” Cullen fired back.

“Whoa,” Varric back peddled. “Didn’t realize she was such a touchy subject.”

They still showed no sign of leaving without some sort of information. These two would never give up. If Cullen didn’t tell them something, they would get the details elsewhere. 

“She’s a friend,” Cullen admitted. “From Feralden. From before my time in Kirkwall. Please just leave it at that. If not for me, then for her.” Maxwell understood, “of course Commander. Come on Varric, I’m sure Cullen has enough to deal with beyond entertaining the curiosity of friends.” The Herald of Andraste was all seriousness as he abruptly urged the dwarf to drop his inquiries. 

“Yeah,” Varric sighed knowing he was stonewalled for now, “we can always get drinks another time.” 

Cullen let out the breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. He may have avoided them for now, but he knew they would keep coming back. At least Varric would. The dwarven author could never leave any mystery alone until he knew the whole story.

For now, he turned his thoughts back to the task at hand. He had work to do.


	3. Forgotten

Cullen mulled over the duty roster, trying to bridge the gaps in the Templar posts. He was going to have to fill in with regular soldiers. Not ideal, but the mages outnumbered the Templars considerably. The Herald seemed confident in the alliance, leaving Cullen no choice but to trust Andraste’s chosen.

A knock at the door pulled him from his work. “Enter,” he bid.

“Commander Cullen,” Minaeve’s familiar voice greeted him as she peeked inside the door. “I don’t wish to disturb you, but I have a small request. Well, it’s not for me, but for someone else.” She flitted nervously into the small cottage that had been converted into his office and living space.

“What is it?” Cullen pressed, a bit taken aback.

“Well, it’s Rowan,” Minaeve trailed off as if not sure how to explain.

Cullen’s heart skipped a beat, “is she alright? Did Adan let her wander off again?”

“What? No,” Minaeve seemed shocked at his last question. “I mean,” she continued anyway, “she’s fine. It’s just that she has made a request.”

“A request?” Cullen didn’t know what to make of it. Admittedly, he had little experience with the Tranquil and was unsure if they commonly made requests. He had avoided the Tranquil for years. Ever since Rowan had entered that chamber in the tower and exited a shell of herself.

“Yes,” Minaeve explained, “tranquil do not experience emotion as we do, but they still have preferences. They just lack the motivation, the desire, to actively pursue those preferences. I have found that seem more at peace when their preferences have been met.”

“And what does this have to do with me?” Cullen asked carefully. 

“Rowan would prefer working for you,” Minaeve eyed him carefully, as if afraid he would immediately reject the idea.

“Why? What would make her prefer working for me?” Cullen questioned.

“I don’t know,” the elf admitted. “Perhaps it is because you are familiar. Or maybe her memories of her time with you are good. You could ask her yourself, if you wish. She’s waiting outside.”

Cullen took a moment thinking what she had said. His mind was reeling trying to figure out why she would want to be near him. After all, he had left her behind at Kinloch with the rest of the horrible memories. He had run away really, tried to put as much distance between himself and the darkness that still haunted his dreams.

“Commander,” Minaeve interrupted his internal struggle. “Normally, I would not have said anything, as most everyone seems to avoid the tranquil, but you showed an interest in her wellbeing and, well, she’s never made a request before,” Minaeve rambled.

“I'll speak with her,” Cullen set Minaeve at ease.

“Of course,” the elf smiled. When she opened the door to bring Rowan in, Varric’s unmistakable voice could be heard conversing just outside.

“Is that so?” Varric muttered as Cullen crossed the short distance to the doorway. The dwarf gave the Commander a smug look as he came into view, “I was just getting to know your friend here.”

Cullen was clearly panicked as Varric reassured him, “don’t worry Curly. She only has nice things about you.”

“Varric,” Cullen was practically begging him, “please, leave her be.” 

“Well, if I’m not going to get the whole story, I’ll just have to make one up.” Varric smiled, knowing he had the Commander cornered. The dwarf began slowly walking away, leaving Cullen sputtering.

Minaeve hid inside the cabin, doing her best to avoid the tension. Rowan quietly observed Cullen as he called out to Varric, “I’ll tell you.” The last thing he wanted was Varric making up some imagined history between them. There would be no end to the gossip.

“Good choice,” Varric stopped.

“Only if you promise that it won’t end up in one of your books,” Cullen demanded.

Varric thought for a moment, “done,” he relented. “Only if I can bring someone along.”

“Who?” Cullen asked, already knowing the answer.

“Our dear friend the Herald of Andraste. Don’t worry, he can keep a secret. We’ll drop by tonight,” Varric hurried off before Cullen could argue the matter further. Turning his attention back to Rowan, Cullen ushered the tranquil mage inside.

Sitting at his desk, he watched Rowan quickly take in the small space before she focused on him. This time her eyes didn’t unsettle him as they had before. Strangely, her even gaze seemed almost calming. She stood directly in front of his desk, as if readying herself for his questions. Minaeve stood by eagerly, unable to deny her own curiosity.

Not knowing where to start, Cullen began with the most obvious question. “Why do you want to work with me?”

“Because you are safe,” Rowan answered unphased.

“Safe?” Cullen almost laughed. That last answer he had expected, especially from her. “What makes you believe that?”

“It is difficult to explain,” Rowan began. “I know we never spoke much beyond what was permitted by the circumstances, but you were always kind to me. Then after I underwent the Rite, and the demons took over the tower, you saved me.”

Cullen’s heart skipped a beat. He didn’t remember much of what happened when the tower was overtaken. In fact, he did his best to forget all he could from that time. “What I can recall from that time is… limited. How did I save you?” Cullen prompted.

“When the blood mages and abominations began their assault,” Rowan continued, “you locked me in a supply closet with a few apprentices and told us to stay quiet. We heard the screams and fighting outside for several hours, until Wynne found us. We joined others and waited for the Templars to open the doors. I don’t believe I, or the others, would be alive if you had not acted.”

The Commander sat in stunned silence. In the years since leaving the tower he had forgotten about that moment. Only the torture he had suffered at the hands of the maleficar had occupied his memory. 

“After the tower had been liberated, I never saw you again. I apologize if I bring up unpleasant memories, but in many ways the Circle was never the same. Different demons found their way into its walls,” Rowan held his gaze, tilting her head to better display her disfigured ear, but didn’t explain further.

“I know many years have passed,” her voice still calm, “but I would prefer to assist you in your work.”

Cullen tried to wrap his head around her words. It seemed they both had witnessed their own horrors since tragedy pushed them apart. To her, even if she couldn’t fully explain it, he was a reminder of the life she lost. Only, to him, she represented everything he wished to forget.

“I will consider it,” Cullen finally answered. “Just give me some time. I will send for you tomorrow.”

“Of course, Commander,” Rowan nodded her understanding. She took his answer as a dismissal and turned to join Minaeve at the door. The elven apprentice gave Cullen a wide-eyed look before following Rowan out. He could only imagine what she thinking after hearing Rowan’s reasoning. He hardly knew what to think himself.

Thankfully, Minaeve didn’t seem like the type to participate in gossip. The same could not be said for Varric. Cullen returned to his work dreading the deal he had made the dwarf. He had only a few hours to pull himself together enough to withstand the upcoming interrogation.


	4. Explanations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Varric and Maxwell try to get the full story of Cullen's relationship with Rowan. Cullen must come to a decision whether to grant Rowan's request.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been working on this chapter for a while now. I have a lot of ideas ofwhere I want to take this fiction, but I want it to be right, so it's taking more time to process and edit than intended. That being said, my new goal for the new year is to have a chapter done every week. Maybe not in the same fiction, as I have several going all at once it seems now, but have something posted every week. I miss writing and I've let work and life get in the way for a long time. 
> 
> Anyway, if you were by chance wondering where I got the title for this fan fiction, it is in fact a piece a music that inspired this entire story. Reminiscence, by Olafur Arnalds and Alice Sara Ott from the Chopin Project Album. It is a beautiful piece in my opinion, and I love the entire album. I would highly recommend a listen if you are able. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy the new chapter,
> 
> MuseMeow

Cullen’s plan to avoid Varric proved unsuccessful. Though, making his evening rounds last longer than normal wasn’t much of a plan in the first place. He had hoped the extra couple hours would encourage Varric and Maxwell to simply give up. Only, that was wishful thinking and he knew it. They were waiting for him when he returned to his quarters.

The pair had made themselves at home, already seated by the fireplace and talking. Unfortunately Cullen had opened the door too abruptly to avoid their attention. Having no other option, he opened the door fully and went inside.

“Finally,” Varric blurted. “You weren’t trying to avoid us now, were you?”

“No,” Cullen feigned innocence. “There are just many preparations to make if our assault on the Breach is going to be successful.” 

“Such as calibrating one trebuchet for two hours?” Maxwell called him out.

“Exactly,” Cullen didn’t let him win. “We don’t know what awaits us in the Breach, our defenses must not be neglected should the worst come to pass.”

“Can’t argue with that,” Varric stated diplomatically. “But we didn’t come here to chat about our apocalypse preparations.”

Cullen eyed the smug dwarf, “you’re going to be disappointed.”

“Try me,” Varric challenged.

“Alright,” Cullen sat on the edge of his desk, making himself somewhat comfortable for what was sure to be a lengthy interrogation. He started with the simplest explanation. “When the Fereldan Circle fell during the Blight ten years ago, I was a Knight in Kinloch Tower. I, as you can imagine, avoid the thought of it whenever possible,” Cullen explained. “It was a dark time in my life.”

“However,” Cullen forced himself to continue, “when the first wave of abominations swept through the tower I encountered a Tranquil mage and a few apprentices. I hid them in a storage closet before the demons…” Cullen stopped. Trying to suppress the memories of the abominations he encountered during the siege. “Well, before I joined the other Templar forces,” he continued, breathing deeply. “Rowan was that Tranquil, and it seems I am one of the few friendly faces she remembers from Kinloch.”

None of it was a lie, but it was a half truth. He couldn’t and wouldn’t talk about the collapse of the tower anymore. Thankfully, Varric and Maxwell didn’t seem interested in the tower’s infamous disaster. They had probably heard about it many times before. He silently thanked Andraste that they only seemed focused on what little went on between him and Rowan.

“So you’re telling me that a tranquil wants to work for the former Knight Commander of Kirkwall, because you met her once and locked her in a closet?” Varric clarified Cullen’s tale.

“I’m sorry the story isn’t as exciting as you hoped it would be,” Cullen offered. It was obvious he wasn’t going to convince the dwarf and the Herald that their relationship was based on little more than a brief moment of heroism. Varric gave him a look that he wasn’t buying into Cullen’s explanation.

“There has to be more to it,” Varric pushed. “When I asked her how she knew you today, she said that you were her _friend._ I have never heard of a tranquil being friends with anyone, let alone a Templar.”

Cullen groaned, looking to Maxwell for assistance. The Herald smirked at his plight. “Come on, Commander,” Maxwell urged. “The way you look at her, we know there’s more going on here.”

“First off, I am no longer a Templar,” Cullen corrected Varric’s previous statement. “However, you are correct. It’s still not as interesting as you think it is. I wouldn’t describe us as friends, but we did know each other. I believe I spent the majority of our conversations making a fool of myself.”

“You were in love with her,” Varric suddenly jumped to the nearest conclusion, “I knew it!”

Cullen’s face burned, “I never implied that.” He tried to sound convincing, but failed spectacularly. “To be honest, we didn’t speak much. Even our limited contact was frowned upon. Sometimes she told me of her studies to pass time, and I was present at her Harrowing. She was considered to be a very promising mage, and excelled in healing magic.” 

Cullen ran through the few facts of their relationship, or lack there of. It really had been an infatuation. They knew remarkably little about one another, but he had been drawn to her in a way that he couldn’t explain. It was a naïve and innocent passion that had been destroyed the moment the brand was pressed to her brow. 

“Wait,” Maxwell stopped him. “If she passed her Harrowing, why is she tranquil?”

“Rowan, had few friends,” Cullen explained. “She spent most of her time studying, or writing. The one friend she did have, Jowan,” he spat the name. “He turned out to blood mage. He preyed on her naive loyalty manipulating her, and a Chantry initiate. He convinced them to assist him in destroying his phylactery and helping him escape. Then, well, she was tried as a blood mage by association.”

“You don’t believe she was one,” Maxwell inferred.

“Rowan, no. Never.” Cullen replied curtly. “Only, the Knight Commander was not convinced. There was nothing I could say or do, and the decision was made. 

“Later, we learned the maleficar she had helped escape not only poisoned the Arl of Redcliff, but also helped unleash the army of undead upon the city. In the end it didn’t matter. The Knight Commander was so distracted by the Blight and escaping blood mages, he didn’t see the threat hiding in plain sight. Then again, no one did. Shortly after she underwent the Rite of Tranquility, the Tower was overrun by abominations until the Hero of Fereldan intervened.”

Cullen looked up at the pair who seemed to be hanging on his every word. Waiting for him to continue the story. Only this is where it ended, as far as he was concerned. 

“After the Blight,” Cullen went on, “I left Kinloch for Kirkwall. I never saw Rowan again. Well, not until a couple weeks ago.” 

“Huh,” Varric murmured. “What happened to her ear?” he asked bluntly.

“I don’t know,” Cullen replied honestly. He stared at the floor, reminded once again of his failures as a Templar. As if on queue, pressure pooled on his brow. It wouldn’t be long till the headache fully took hold.

“I think the real question here is, are you going to fulfill her request?” Maxwell steered the conversation towards the here and now. “Will you have her work for you?”

The Commander didn’t have a ready answer, even though he had been asking himself the same question for several hours. “I’m not sure if it’s the proper position for her,” he admitted, but it sounded like an excuse. “I doubt anything I have for her would be a more effective use of her time and skills.”

“Well Adan has her set up as little more than an errand girl,” Varric pointed out. “I’m sure you could easily find her more meaningful tasks. You are our force’s Commander, after all.”

A solid ache settles behind Cullen’s eyes, as he considered Varric’s words. He dared not admit his fear and shame to the pair. After all, she reminded him of best and the worst time of his life. The time before he learned what true suffering was. Rowan was a ghostly reminder that nothing beautiful ever escaped the darkness of this world.

“Perhaps you’re right,” Cullen muttered before he could stop himself. The thought of her constant presence terrified him, but perhaps it was time to stop running away from his past. How could he deny her now? The world was falling apart and she had reached out to him. 

A silence settled over the group as Cullen continued to consider his options. Maxwell seemed to sense the conversation had come to an end and stood up. “I think we’ve bothered the Commander enough for one night,” he said looking at Varric. 

“You’re probably right,” Varric the Inquisitor’s lead towards the door without protest. He had heard all he had come to hear, and Cullen prayed it wouldn’t end up in one of Varric’s books. “Besides, lover boy’s got a lot to think about.”

“And don’t forget the mages arrive tomorrow from Redcliff,” Maxwell reminded them.

Cullen groaned inwardly, he had briefly forgotten about the Redcliff mages during their discussion. Now his head was throbbing, he was reminded once again how woefully unprepared the Inquisition was for the mage’s arrival. 

After finally Varric and Maxwell out the door, Cullen took in the cabin. His desk was stacked with guard duty rosters and recruitment reports. Not to mention the Templar requisition requests that still needed his review and approval. As well as, Leliana’s scout reports that he needed to go over. He really could use an assistant.


End file.
